The 2011 MOTY Awards were truly an extravaganza as mommies from all across this beautiful country of ours converged upon the Grand Ballroom of the Hilton Garden Suites right here on New York’s City’s West 28th Street. This is an historic first for the MOTYs, which had been held in Abilene, Texas from the moment of their conception.
Yours truly and my two very best mommy friends, Lizzie and Kay, shared a cab from the UES to join in the fun and perhaps see one of our own take home a prize (spoiler alert)! What a rush, whizzing past 72nd Street on our way downtown to the East Village to celebrate the very best in motherhood. Lizzie, Kay and I shed a tear in unison as we contemplated coming together with women from all walks of life --even women whose husbands don’t work in Finance! -- to celebrate our common love and devotion for our children.
Bravely pretending the gays and homeless people loitering at the entrance to the hotel did not exist, this year’s winning mommies walked the red carpet in the latest from Chloe (moi et mes amies) and Ricardo Montalban for Target (everyone else) to collect their prizes for being the Very Best Mommies of 2011!
The ceremonies opened with the Pledge of Allegiance and a special Mother’s Prayer read aloud by Barbara Jean Dean, age 7, from Hialeah, Florida. “Dear Jesus,” she said, “Please help us to hate evil and please watch over all the unborn children and don’t let bad mommies eat them.” Amen, Jean!
Our Mommy Hostess with the Mostest, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, stunning in a cotton-candy pink gown from her eponymous QVC line, took the stage to announce the winner of the prize for the Mommy with the Healthiest Yum Yums. Congratulations Sandra Pancake, an Oregon mother of six whose children have been raised on not only an organic diet, but one 100% grown in Sandra’s backyard garden, which she composts solely with her own dear children’s refuse. Not easy for a woman with no hands, but you won’t hear Sandra complain!
There could have been an awkward moment when Elizabeth tried to hand Sandra her plaque, but Sandra demurely turned her back to the audience, lifted her right leg out of her sandal, and took that plaque in her toes like an absolute monkey. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house as she hopped off the stage!
Next, Elizabeth announced the winner of the Award for the Mommy Who Suffered the Most (Non-Bed-Rest Category). No surprise here – the winner was Caitlyn Snodgrass from Ramsey, New Jersey. Caitlyn, widowed at 40 after her husband Rodney suffered a massive heart attack when the New Jersey Devils missed the playoffs, drove her son Ryan and his best friends Jake and Landry a total of 41,600 weekend miles to attend hockey games and practices. And this after working double-shifts every day as a critical care nurse at Ramsey Memorial Hospital!
Caitlyn accepted her award with a simple “Thank you” before passing out on stage. The crowd erupted into cheers of “USA! USA!” until Caitlyn came to and crawled to the wings, smiling bravely.
Elizabeth then pressed her hand to the tiny silver cross at her neck and the room grew quiet. “This next award really resonates with me,” she said, “because I had prayed for the opportunity to show my unborn children how much I loved them from the moment of conception.”
There was non-stop applause and foot-stomping for the next eight minutes until Elizabeth counted 1-2-3 on her fingers then pointed to her eyes, the universal sign for “1, 2, 3, eyes on me!” At that moment, you couldn’t hear a flag pin drop.
“The winner of the Award for the Mommy Who Suffered the Most (Bed Rest Category) is New York’s very own Lizzie de Lima!” announced Elizabeth. “Lizzie, immediately after coitus with her DH, took to her bed with her head at the foot of the bed and her legs at a forty-five degree angle from the headboard. Lizzie remained in that position for forty-eight hours, after which she stayed in bed, with pillows under her hips and knees, for the next ten months until her beautiful daughter Virginia was born. Right there, in that very bed! Come on up here Lizzie!”
I can tell you, because I was sitting right next to her because I am one of her dearest mommy friends, that Lizzie was shaking like a leaf when she heard her name called. She made her way to the stage and took the microphone.
“I really can’t tell you what this means to me,” Lizzie said. “All I can say is that once I relearned how to walk and recovered from the bedsores, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my days spreading the word about the benefits of PCBR, post-coitus bed rest, especially for those mommies out there who, like me, are … over 29!”
Wild laughter and cheers for Lizzie!
Finally, we came to the Breastfeeding Resilience Award.
“The winner of this award is truly a heroine,” announced Elizabeth. “An investment banker and a woman, this Mommy was pumping her breast milk while working 25-hour days finalizing a telecom deal in Mexico. She would pump her precious milk and then send it by corporate jet back to Westport, Connecticut to feed her two-week-old son William Harry.”
“Awwwwww,” said the crowd in unison.
Elizabeth held up her hand. “But that’s not all,” she said.
“As this deal was about to close, her breast pump broke!”
Two hundred mommies were perched on the edge of their seats.
“Not to be deterred, she purchased a Mexican breast pump and carried on pumping. Except do you know where that Mexican breast pump was manufactured?”
“China! China!” we cried.
“Exactly,” said Elizabeth. “And it ripped her nipple clean off.”
There were gasps throughout the room.
“So you know what this mommy did next, crouched on top of a toilet in the Mexico City Corporate Suites Hotel? She put that pump on her other breast and carried on pumping until she had six ounces!”
“Hurrah!” we shouted.
“Mary Anne Jones-Davis, come on up here, girl, and claim your prize!”
Mary Anne, snappy in an Anne Taylor double-breasted suit that hid the bandages from her recent nipple transplant, leapt on stage in a single bound.
“My fellow mommies,” she said. “I am humbled to be in your presence. I didn’t do this for the glory. I didn’t do this to win a MOTY. I did it because it was the best thing for my son.”
I can tell you, I still have chills.
Then, when we thought we had really hit the highlight of the evening, you’ll never guess who came on stage next!
Sarah Palin, bless her!
Sarah, bless her, came all the way to New York City to continue her important work lobbying for a constitutional ban on homosexual marriage. And while she was in town, she presented the Constructive Criticism Award (or what Sarah affectionately referred to as “The Turkey”) to the Mommy Most in Need of Improvement (excluding all those truly horrible mommies in news stories too upsetting to read) to … drumroll please …
All Mommies of Vegan Children!!
Accepting the award on their behalf was none other than Alanis Morissette, who also was on hand to accept The Turkey for the Not-Nicest Baby Name (Boys’ Category ) for her son Ever Imre.
“‘Happily Ever After Imre’ would be one thing,” noted my table mate, Kathie Lee Duncan of Des Moines, Iowa, proud mother of four sons, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Ms. Morissette had little to say for herself, perhaps because she arrived at the MOTYs in the back of Todd Palin’s snowmobile, bless him, bound by her hands and feet with a paper bag over her head.
“Mmmmf frmmmh hmmmm,” said Ms. Morissette, writhing on the stage.
“I’m pretty sure she just said, ‘God Bless America!’” exclaimed Sarah Palin, bless her, pulling out a pink lipstick from her purse and drawing a big smiley face on the paper sack.
Then, during perhaps the most dramatic moment of the evening, Ms. Morissette jackknifed her feet to her chin, freeing the bag from her head.
“I’m not even an American, you morons!” Ms. Morissette shouted. “I’m from Canada!”
“I can see Canada from my porch!” responded Sarah, bless her, to thunderous applause.
Then Todd, bless him, shot Ms. Morissette in her ample bottom with a moose tranquilizer and tucked her right back into the snowmobile.
What a night!
See you next year folks!
* Mother of the Year
